My Mental Health Struggles And Why I Don’t Think I’ll Ever Truly Be Happy With Who I AM

Posted On Sep 3, 2020 By admin With Comments Off

This is going to be extremely lengthy so I do apologize in advance and I understand if you choose not to read. Likewise, I’m very sorry for any grammatical flaws as I certainly am just letting all my feelings out. I’ve never absolutely been set up about my mental health. I’m a 20 year old chap( the youngest sibling, I have 3 older sisters) and I feel like I’m never going to truly be happy no matter where I’m at in “peoples lives”. The truth is if you met me at a fast food place or you were in the same years as me in high school or “youre coming” across me on wall street or wherever it might be you’d probably think of me as some very happy person who loves to smile and produces a lot of energy/ life to any statu I’m in. I love to clear others glad and I love to crack jokes at any returned hazard …. but I’m unusually chilled on the inside and I ought to have for a long time. My mothers pushed a good deal … at least a marry period a week on average and I can’t certainly remember when that started but it isn’t necessarily all their fault even though I detest it. My oldest sister has a frightful position and she always meets them definitely sounds like they didn’t do a good job collecting her( my mommy had her when she was 18 and my pa when he was 19) but I do know that my parents directed their asses off to raise her and make her and good living and I frankly “ve no idea” why she considers them like shit all the time but it truly has devastated a lot of relationships in their own families. I could be mad at my papa for being away on and off my entire childhood but he was working so hard at his undertaking and he was forced to travel a lot. Despite my parents fighting they support me a good deal and I do appreciate that. When I was about 13/14( my first time in “schools “) my youngest sister was diagnosed with an anorexia nervosa and it was really horrible. She was only around 19 where reference is happened and she was already tiny and it really hurt me to see her like that. She was on the verge of dying when she first was in the hospital and she was forced to stay there for a few months. Almost Everyday after clas I’d go inspect her in the hospital and do my homework before having to go to hockey practice. It was hard to leave but being able to play a play really cured me been through it. Gazing back at it I predicts I started to grow up kind of fast during that time period. That’s where the next chapter comes in. I was only in point 9( 14/15 years old) and I blew my knee out. I needed knee surgery and I was done hockey for the next four months. This is when my evaluates started to drop. I was a excellent student( not to gush my self-esteem) up until that year and this is when the downfall really started to happen. I hop-skip one class in position 9. It was the first and simply duration I did it that year but it stimulated me a lot of issues in grade 10 and the later stages of high school as well. Grade 10 was one of the worst years of my entire life. It started off so well because I became the hockey squad that I was trying out for but that discontinued up being a big problem. I was a 15 year old playing on a unit that was mostly 17/18 year olds. I had one teammate who went to the same high school as me and he was the same age as I was and we were actually friends but he tried to destroy my life and he pretty much reached that. He started gossips at my high school and he also imparted those to my team. Whenever I tried to talk to a girl he would purposely be said that things about me that weren’t true-blue and he ruined my relationships with some of my other friends at school/ hockey and he would do stuff in the dressing room at hockey that would mostly precisely see everyone laugh and look down on me. I couldn’t escape it anywhere I started. Hockey wasn’t a safe place for me anymore. Every time I was in the dressing room I would get told that I suck at hockey or that I was exceedingly ugly. I was in such a darknes place that I was trying to figure out a space that I could kill myself that wouldn’t leave a mess for anyone else to clean up. I was at an all term low-pitched. I was hop-skip all my grades every day of the week. I “ve been in” the lavatory the working day at clas because I was too afraid to go to class and be made fun of or considered like scrap. For fucking reasons I even ate lunch in the goddamn lavatory somedays. I was miscarrying in academy for the first time in my part life. I wanted to end “peoples lives”. For some reason I didn’t …. but to this day I still have very little confidence in myself. I couldn’t even talk to daughters anymore because I was almost like such a loser and I thought they all disliked me. It was terrible. I felt like I had to beg most people to like me when in reality they probably just liked me for who I was. Over the summer I was trying to make one of the top teams in my region and I was cut right at the very end. Going into tier 11 I had nowhere to play. I ceased up having to train a year with a younger unit( 1 year younger) so I wasn’t eligible to play and of course I came bullied. Grade 11 wasn’t as bad as gradation 10 but I still hop-skip years and I started to get into weed. When I say get into I don’t mean that I was doing it every day but I still experienced it on the occasion. The conclude I started to get into it was because my dog died. My childhood dog died and so many parties ordeal this but the behavior it happened actually stingings. Me and my parents were off touring universities with my hockey squad and my puppy died of a heart attack at the dog kennel and I hated how I never got to say goodbye. I felt guilty for that. I felt like my life was going nowhere and I simply continues in a downward coiling. Grade 11 came and get and I was ready for my graduation time but I didn’t even have the proper requirements to graduate. I tried to work my ass off in the summer but between training for hockey and trying to do well in institution I was always going to placed more attempt into my boast. I get chipped from nearly every team I tried out for that time but the week before position 12 I got a call from the previous team saying they had an older team this year and would cherish for me to join. I had no other options so I made it and I was able to remain at that “schools “. This year was actually a good one for me besides one incident. I was playing in one of the top midget( 16 -1 8 years old) organizations in the world and I was averaging about 90% in my first-class. Everyone on my unit loved me and my teachers were all pleased with me. Everyone seemed to be satisfied with me but I was never satisfied with myself. A spate of daughters speaking to me/ into me but I still absence any sort of self confidence to try and make anything of it. Plus I’m not the usual hockey player that tries to go after every girls because I have 3 sisters and I don’t want to disrespect women( that’s another thing I was bullied for ). On Halloween of 2017 my aunt( who I was unusually close to) died of cancer and to this day I don’t make I realise how much that really hurt me. I was trying to act strong when my family was harrowing but on the inside I was dying. I started to get high-pitched more often but it didn’t make a difference to my productivity it just made me more wintry and happy. I was close to making a lot of great teams that summer but it really never happened. I wasn’t strategy on going to university because I was going to play junior hockey and well my room into a school. But period as running out and by the time September arrived( 2018) I was ready to quit. In fact I actually did cease. I was working at a grocery store doing 40 hours per week as a teller. It was terrible for me because it didn’t interest me at all but hey I was getting money so that’s all that matters in the end( mockery ). About a few months into the job I got a summon from a coach that wanted me to go play for him. I thought about it and I ultimately decided that I wanted to do it. The situate where I was going to play was about 18 hours away from my area so I had to live away from home for the first time. A fleck creepy at first but after a duo weeks I loved it. I was experiencing my independence. Muches of partying. Fortunes of sucking. Piles of shafting around and really lots of fun. I was playing junior hockey in a pretty good league and I was playing a lot. It was a fresh start. All my teammates liked a great deal and I assembled some of our friend that I’ll be friends with for the rest of my life there. I even discovered myself a girlfriend. It was great. Until it wasn’t. Nothing from the season really made me chilled but it was this girl. We started dating in January( 2019) and I affection her so much better. I would have given her the world if I could have and I exclusively concentrating on starting her life happy. After the season ended( belatedly March) I stayed until mid April so I could be with her. It was really terrible having to leave but we maintained a long distance relationship and it was actually proceeding really well. She was still in “schools “( 1 year younger than me) so she was getting ready for exams and this is when things started to get rocky. I substantiated her and was trying to help her not feel stressed out but she genuinely didn’t give a shit about me. I encountered myself worrying about her all the time while she scarcely checked in on me. She exerted the justify that she was busy with academy but she was hanging out with friends every other night and it attained me feel terrible. We realized it through it in the end( was mostly me on my own) and I went to visit her in the summer for a few months and it was fantastic. I helped her study right before her quizs and I went to see her graduation and was always right be her side. We had a great time that part month and even went on a fun vacation. She was getting ready to go away to university right before I left so I facilitated her backpack everything. It was hard to say goodbye after that month but I was going to see her shortly anyways. She was actually going to a university not far from where I live so when her and her leader were moving all of her shit I has enabled them with all of it. I bought trash for her apartment, I helped her decorate, I did it all. It was easy to get to her so I get for a week and went home and then I went one more time sometime in the summer and we started to exactly insist all the time. She became highly moody and was analyse me like debris but I would always try to solve everything because I adoration this girl and in my heading i wasn’t good enough for anyone and I was stunned I even been able to find her. I went home and she was just really awful to me. I eventually called her out and informed her that she needs to show me some desire and that if she indeed adored me she could actually act like I exist. This didn’t depart so well. She turned it around and accused me for everything. She made me feel like shit … and then she break up with me over verses. I never interpreted her again. She just texted me. She didn’t even have the respectability to talk to me on the phone. She simply break up with me and stimulated me feel terrible. She even toyed with me and acted like it was a possibility that we could get back together and me being the schmuck I am decided that it was hopefully is going to happen. She intention up get a brand-new boyfriend within a month and that fucked me up too. This was also in the middle of a trade negotiation that I was trying to get through. I was forcing a transaction that they are able to picture myself moved from the previous town I was playing in to a much better team with a few cases of your best friend. It was taking forever and I couldn’t use hockey as a distraction. This was the closest I’ve ever been to killing myself. Once again my athletic was complicated and the one person that truly enjoyed me and understood me mostly knocked me out of their life for no real reasonablenes and it sucked. Everyday for about a week and a half I was popping any type of pill I could find in kitchen of my home( which is something we keep the Tylenol, Advil etc ). I wanted to die. Each night I is entered into my kitchen and grabbed a knife and would run it along my forearm/ wrist while I was crying because I was so lost. This was just under a year ago but it feels like ages ago now. The trade finally happened sometime September and if it didn’t I’d probably be dead right now. I was playing for a great team but I separated my shoulder and was out for over a month and that really made me upset as well. Every time something is going well in my life it seems to derail. I couldn’t break into the lineup after that and I was stuck on the bench. I are ready to stir the sacrifice because I desired my teammates and the person or persons I lives with but over the Christmas break I was transactions. Once again it was a fresh start for me but I wasn’t truly missing one this time. Anyways it happened and I went to a terrible team but I was the whiz. It dissolved up giving me a lot of confidence that I needed and I’m a much better player after a few months there but I too smoke weed style most frequently now because so many guys on that crew did/ do. The season ended early due to COVID but we weren’t gonna be in the playoffs anyways. I’ve been super lonely ever since then. All my really good friends live far away now. I’m not consequently very depressed at the moment but it comes back every now and then and it really hurts. I’ve ever had questions opening up to beings ever since I was a young son I would keep things to myself. I was outgoing but I didn’t get very personal. I’m not sure if I’ll ever open up to another girl again or at least not for a long time because I’m not sure if I can take another heartbreak or someone using me like that. I don’t talk about my feelings to so many people. In fact there’s probably less than a handful of beings that I’ve ever talked to about it in my life. Like I said at the outset, I love to stir beings fortunate. I “ve been wanting to” draw beings laugh … but on the inside I’m unusually broken down. I recently loped of my latest quantity of gras and I’ve only been thinking of life a lot more lately and this year. Between the virus and all the other sad things happening I feel like I don’t have that much to be sad about compared to so many humen who haven’t had a chance to live a good life because of where they live or where they were born or how they look or the language they speak etc. But I still feel like shit. Nobody who actually knows me would ever think this is me talking. They would be mind blow. Absolutely outraged. I can go play university hockey, I can go to Europe and play, I can play on so many different junior crews in so many different places but I exactly don’t feel like I’m worth anything still. I’ve use so hard to be where I am but I still don’t feel like I’m the person that everyone anticipates I am. I have so many dreams and things I just wanted to do. I wanna live in so many different places. I wanna be a YouTuber and realise beings laugh but I feel like I can’t because of my low confidence. I wanna do so many great things with “peoples lives” but I’m not sure if I’ll ever accomplish them even though I’m probably perfectly able to do the turd I miss. I’m told I’m a very sweet person and I’m liked by nearly everyone I meeting but inside I feel like a screw up and I feel like an asshole. The world-wide feels cold to me. I get annoyed at girls quite easily and crave good-for-nothing to do with them( because of my last-place knowledge) and I’m gradually starting to cut off more and more friends I’ve struggled with mental health since I was scarcely a teenager and now that i’m a young adult I definitely sounds like my own experience have cleared me so much stronger but at the same time have shambled me up mentally. This might sound like some bullshit sob story and I don’t accused anyone that is considered that because I am not the best at restating my feelings into words and maybe my life seems easy compared to yours and that’s very understandable as well. Like I said I don’t open up. Anyways I’m very sorry for how long this is. There isn’t really a main point to all this it’s time me trying to explain where my depression and sadness and mental health issues collected from and if anyone else feels like opening up or wanting to add anything please feel free to … and to anyone that has read all of this, I thank you and I hope you’re doing great. Have a wonderful day/ week/ month/ time everyone 🙂

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