I’m Worried that I Might Be a Selfish Ass

Posted On Aug 25, 2020 By admin With Comments Off

First of all, I’m 50, male, single, never married , no boys. I hate being touched and I can’t stand intimacy of any kind. However, I feel like I’m a nice person; I have no opponents( except one, and I genuinely don’t maintenance( long story )). But all my interactions with others are completely platonic. No flirting , no coming on to anyone, etc …. I cherish my emptines more than anything. I like to go to work, do my job, then go home and stay there until I have to go back to work. I like to induce music, write, read, watch age-old TV testifies, and I love to dream more than anything.

I’ve had an interest in things like astral estimate/ OBEs since I was sixteen. I went through an awakening at twenty-six that changed my life wholly, and for the very best. Financially, I’ve always had to struggle, but a few years ago, I got a good job that, through several conjures, has now threw me in its own position where I don’t have to struggle anymore. I’m not getting rich, and I can’t exactly get everything I crave, but I can at least pay the rent, salary all my monies, and buy plenty of menu. And I get get a few fun things now and there. I brought before about $1,900 a month.

So today, I decided to go to a car shower and dry my filthy gondola. I got some quarters from the proposal changer, flicked them into the machine, and doused the car with a presoak. As I was doing this, I noticed this serviceman walking around eyeing me. He said, “Hey, subject. I wanna see if you can help me with something.”

“Okay, ” I replied cautiously.

“Listen, I got five dollars to my life and I’m was just trying to get a gift card. I wondered if you can help me out.”

Well, that immediately leant me in a foul attitude. Ugh … Can’t I do anything outside without someone strolling through asking for money?[ F-expletive ]. I exclusively had like fourteen dollars in cash on me. Sure, I had another $ 1,500 in the bank, some of which is my rent money for next month. With my brain cussing out the situation, I got my wallet out and made him ten dollars. Sure, I could have just claimed I was ruined and been just as irritated by the audacity of a stranger asking me for coin. How do I know he hadn’t previously collected the thousands of dollars from other parties the working day?

Can I make it without the ten dollars? Certainly I can. I’m kind of a hoarder because, as I mentioned above, I’ve got a long history of my own struggles.

Now I be informed about the “service to others” aspect of spirituality that’s frequently been mentioned by other spiritualists, and that it is appropriate to impart fund if we’ve got it to give and not worry about what the money will be spent on or whether or not they’re lying about their situation really to get rich off the very best goodness of others. I’ve always was just thinking about my assistance to others coming in the form of simply sharing my duration by participating in discussions, especially online: the service of edification to the best of my ability.

What make my little afternoon of self-judgment even harder to go is the fact that I’ve received help in the past, but it was from someone I’ve known for a very long time–my long-time friend and long-time roommate. He was the only roommate I’ve ever lived. His family was basically rolling in showers of lubricant& gas money much of the time. They would go and pay currency for new vehicles, for example. Not unnecessarily, but if a auto wore out and they wanted a new one, they’d just go buy one outright and trade the age-old one off.

I didn’t make disproportionate advantage of developments in the situation, nonetheless. When we were living together, we’d sometimes go shopping and he would ask me if I demanded anything. Most of the time, I never did. If there was something I craved, it was usually just a inexpensive bargain video game disc where you get like five or six plays on one disc for ten dollars. Never anything big-hearted. Your best friend/ roommate actually told me one time that he would get harassed with me because he wanted to spend money on me, but I never missed anything. He would go spend time with other friends and exactly blow coin hand over fist on them, and they are only experienced that know over and over. Since he wanted me to handle his legislations for him( since he hated doing it ), I knew his financial situation. He had about $ 200,000 in debt on credit cards and automobiles. I didn’t require him spending money on me like that when I knew his credit cards were maxed out; but he spent it anyway–on others.( Note: His mothers paid money for vehicles; my roommate had to finance his; that’s why there’s indebtednes .)

And now, here I am feeling like I’ve been slammed by the cosmos over my bad internal posture because I wasn’t happy about parting with ten dollars. I didn’t cause cheerfully. I devoted with a dark heart and a said that he hoped that he would simply walk away from me.

Now if it’s somebody I already know, it would be different. A co-worker, for example, or a good friend. I’d give to my family members, even though it wouldn’t be very much because I don’t have a whole lot. But something about paying money to a ended stranger just really produces my acrimony to a steam and it truly bothers me, peculiarly since one of my “spiritual fantasies” is to live forever WITHOUT money–to simply be self-sustaining with no required for fund anyway.

I’m not sure what more I should add to the affix at this degree. I tried to be brief, but I speculated a little background and extra info would be helpful. I didn’t are willing to precisely be a post that said: “Someone asked me for money today and it started me mad. Why am I a moron? ” I didn’t say my irritation toward him. I precisely demonstrated him the money, he said thanks, I time lied and said, “No problem.”

I can’t even imagine myself panhandling. I can imagine myself expecting individual if I can do some work for them for a little money, while hoping they’re not a lunatic the police have yet to discover.

I’m so sorry for the long tirade, but I’m involve some thoughts on all this. Am I a moron? How can I be so floaty in the spirit and so eager to learn in that regard, but then feel such hatred toward dedicating money to a stranger who asked for it? Understand that I did NOT dislike the three men himself. I merely disliked parting with ten dollars! Sigh.

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