I know I want remedy one hundred%, however I cannot aford it, and it is slowly killing me.

Posted On Dec 19, 2019 By admin With Comments Off

I really want to share my sympthoms, delight dont justice my english too harshly. I’m F 22

I used to be both the black sheepand the golden child. I know, dins strange, but unlike most GC i wasn’t genuinely reinforced or admired. I was necessary to do the things my papa craved just so he would be happy with me= not ignore me or be mad at me. This terrible relationship started when I was 7 and is still present altho it has gotten better, but it’s all because I am trying my best to not step on his toes. My mom is mostly cool, altho she has her omissions, like being extremely involved in how I ogle and shit.

I was REALLY bullied at school. I’m not talking about teasing and namecalling, altho that was a thing more. I’m speaking about being rothlessly bullied around from the start. Being locked alone in the toilet, shaped, having my shoes stolen, being announced zombie, monster, body, freek induce I was pale and had frizzy whisker. Having babies take my backpack and play catch with it, being bullied for my backpack cause it was “big” … I too remember being inapropriatly touched by a few boys, it was over clothes, but it was still truly degrating and humiliating.

I was also ever socialy awkvard and I strongly suspect that I have avoidant personality dissoarder. I don’t trust others, I get anxious if I have to fuckin go to the shop or answer the phone, I feel terrebly insecute in social situations andam persistently trying to not say anything cringy, or anything at all, I feel extremly tricky when someone compliments me and time want them to stop, mostly induce I have no idea how to act in that situation. I might be percived as shy, but inside im roasting with suspicion. I is of the opinion inferior and less than, especcially around parties I find cool, but too around everybody else, its really course stronger with the cool ones, like musicians n shit. I also feel incompatant for no reason … like, a few months ago i finaly tried making money from a bank machine. I was avoiding that shit for 4 years. The only thing that doesn’t actually suit avoidant identity dissoarder is that I dont actually research others and Im open about my feelings with my partner. You could say that I am good at making commentary, but thats just cause I’m so insecure. Like, if someone points out a shortcoming of mine, I wilat first be kinda shook, maybe even defensive, but Im going to straighten out that babe … just so no one else notices that Im terrible at that thing. Like I take disapproval and work on it … but this has also made me not try in the first place, so …

I kind of think that really good beings are an anomaly and there for I don’t trust others that much. I have a good reason to think like this. a) The internet is showing peoples true colors, they are overly critical, harmful, shallow, inessential, hatefull, desire when others flunk, love to watch others fail, love to cause others disappoint … they enjoy violince and everything that goes with it … no mather their scoot, sexuality, belief or absence there of, political list … they all have this love for ruin in common. b) I have accompanied proff of this … like, remrmber that chinese daughter “whos got” vanquished and turn a blind eye to numerous fuckin diferent motorists … or that video of the son who got masacred by some nincompoops alive … or any fight, abuse, killing in autobiography? All the animal ill-treatment, child abuse, abuse in general? c) I acted in a home for mentally ill aged people. I have looked first paw how the latter are being misstreated. Here is the kicker, when I tried to raising the fact that they have infections and are kinda being handled approximately up, I simply get dismissed. I identified patients who had a stroak being left on the floor after precipitating, urinary illness being rejected, beings hit hard, pushed around and left ravenou … yah, it sucked. Did i mention that they were mostly dementia patients … yeah, the carers, people who were there to help them, were misstreating them. Like, i do understand that they were all overworked, it is an extremly demandong undertaking, but that doesnt excuse the needless crulety. I assert, i dislike people who misstreat others or swine.

I have depression. It was mainly attributable to humans being suffering and destroying countries around the world( something I don’t have limitation over ), and life being short, meaningless, riddled with illness and loss( too something I can’t modify ).

The abov mentioned concludes are why I often think that killing my soul would be nice. The only reason I don’t do it is cause I don’t want to hurt the few people who actually care about me. I am in a really good dreamy relation where my special one really affection me.

I can’t not just stop thinking about it … sure, it helps being off line, but hell, there is always this louse of recession sneaking back into my brain.

I am act strong and am listening to everyones questions, I forever try realise everyone feel better and am a total doorway matte and people pleaser, but when I tell something , no one except the two partners and my momma actually care, altho I cant tell my mom everything. I known better beings have it worse than me, but that doesnt genuinely facilitate, it simply stirs me feel shittier. Im too not someone who is complaining. I put one across the strong fasade to seem strong and hide my deep anxieties. I allready said that its hard for me to make friends, so the least i require is for beings to know im an emotional wrack.

I don’t loathe others, but i tend to feel extreme anxiety or sadness when a person hates the group i belong to without knowing me personally … like, I know that there are parties out there who will hate me just cause im feemale, and who will think of me as less than … for the above reasons. Seriously, I know Im not an idiot. Im writing to you in my third expression, I frisk diferent instruments, I am helpfull, but a lot of people will belittle that just cause im a feemale. I don’t get that.

I hate feeling like this, but its ingrained in me. I want to be loved and liked and i know i cant be and that some people are just assholes, but that acquires me sad. I feel like parties are room to disgusting to one and other and dont assure eacother as human being with feelings. It doesnt facilitate that I live in a really misogynistic country where women are being treated like belonging in “the worlds largest” literal route possible.

The only bright thing is my love life. The sad thing is, we are of diferent nationaluties, and that trash is a no-go where I am from. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I don’t think that I will ever find someone who loves me in the way he does. He enjoys me for me and he is not always looking for other options like most people these days, but he is older, so he isnt really into all these things. I only dont belive that I will ever find anyone like him agein, and im in constant feer of someone used to identify about our age divergence/ diferent tribe rapport. Honestly all I need is someone who really kindness me and doesn’t dally stupid tournaments like most other people i dated. So, i have been keeping a secret relationship for 4 years now. He is the only party besides you guys who knows what im feeling. There is no way im breaking up with him, but i know that my mothers would magnetism me to break up, or even ill him if they knew.

So, this was a rant I had to get off of my heart. Thanx for reading.

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